New Stock Terms

    CEO - chief embezzlement officer.

    CFO corporate fraud officer.

    BULL MARKET A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

    BEAR MARKET A two-year period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

    VALUE INVESTING The art of buying low and selling lower.

    P/E RATIO The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

    BROKER What my broker has made me.

    STANDARD & POOR Your life in a nutshell.

    STOCK ANALYST! Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    STOCK SPLIT When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

    FINANCIAL PLANNER A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

    MARKET CORRECTION The day after you buy stocks.

    CASH FLOW The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

    YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

    WINDOWS 2000 What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

    INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

    PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.

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